The Complete Guide To Pleasing Your IT Department
1. When you call us to have your computer either moved or serviced, be sure to leave it buried under half-a-ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. EVER. We can play back the error messages later.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state only what you want, not what is keeping you from getting it. The fact that you need to access E-Mail is the priority, not the fact that your machine will not power up.
5. When I.T. support sends out an E-Mail marked as High Importance, Delete it immediately without reading it. We were just testing anyway.
6. Send urgent e-mail in all UPPERCASE. The mail server picks up on it and rushes the delivery.
7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts. We exist only to serve.
8. When the photocopier does not work, call computer support. It's all electronics anyway, right?
9. When you are getting no dial tone at home, call computer support. We can fix stuff at your house, too.
10. When you have collected a dozen or so old computer screens that do not work, call us. We collect that stuff.
11. When something's wrong with your home computer, dump it on an I.T. person's desk with no name or note. We love the challenge.
12. When the I.T. person tells you that computer screens do not have cartridges, argue. We just love a good argument.
13. When an I.T. person says that he will be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone: 'And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly'? Sarcasm really motivates us.
14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 more times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black-holes.
15. After that print job still has not come out, send it to all 78 other printers in the company. One of them is bound to get through.
16. Don't attempt to learn the technical name for anything. We know exactly what you mean when you say: 'My thingy blew up'
17. Don't use On-Line help to try and figure out anything on your own. On-Line help is for wimps.
18. When the mouse cable keeps knocking down the picture of your dog, Lift up your computer and run the cable under it. That cable was designed to work with 40 pounds on top of it, and getting jerked constantly because it is now too short is always a good thing.
19. When the space bar on you keyboard does not work anymore, blame it on the recent mail upgrade. Keyboards were actually designed to run with muffin crumbs, nail clippings and ½ a cup of coffee in them.
20. When you get a message saying 'Are you sure'? click the 'Yes' button as fast as possible. Hell, if you were not sure you would not have been doing it to begin with, right?
21. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his Bank/Wife/Mother, sit un-invited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have private lives anyway.
22. Feel free to make statements like: 'I don't know anything about that stupid computer crap!' We love to hear our particular area of professional expertise referred to as 'Stupid Crap'.
23. When it is time to change the toner cartridge on your printer, call I.T. support. Changing your toner cartridge can be an extremely complex task. Hewlett-Packard actually recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with at least a masters degree in Nuclear Physics.
24. When something is wrong with your computer, have the secretary call the help desk. We enjoy getting details from a third party that has no idea what the original problem is.
25. When you receive a 30mb (HUGE) movie file, feel free to send it to everyone you know as a mail attachment. We have band-width to spare and plenty of hard drive space, too.
26. Don't even think about breaking large print jobs into small chunks. Someone may be able to get that single page memo into the cue.
27. When you lose your car keys, shot-gun a mail to the entire company. The Europe office needs to know too.
28. When you bump into the 'Computer Guy' at the grocery store on the weekend, feel free to ask questions about the status of jobs, or even better, about the problems you are having with your personal system at home. We really don't have a life outside of the office.
29. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers on your own. Computer names and inventory lists are just cosmetics.
30. When you do bring your personal machine from home in for us to look at in our 'Spare Time', leave all documentation and driver disks at home. We have everything for every possible configuration here at the office.
31. When your buddy gives you a bootleg copy of the latest video game and says: 'Be Careful, I think it has a virus on it'? Please, bring it to work to test. We have flawless virus protection and software licenses mean nothing.
Thanks from your System Support Team