The Complete Guide To Pleasing Your IT Department

 1. When you call us to have your computer either moved  or serviced,  be sure to leave it buried under half-a-ton of postcards, baby  pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and  children's art.  We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to  catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

 2. Don't write anything down.  EVER.  We can play back  the error  messages later.

 3.  When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go  for coffee.   That way you won't be there when we need your password.  It's nothing  for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

 4. When you call the help desk, state only what you  want, not what is  keeping you from getting it.  The fact that you need to access E-Mail  is the priority, not the fact that your machine will not power up.

 5. When I.T. support sends out an E-Mail marked as High  Importance,  Delete it immediately without reading it.  We were just testing  anyway.

 6. Send urgent e-mail in all UPPERCASE.  The mail server  picks up on  it and rushes the delivery.

 7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk  right in and  spill your guts.  We exist only to serve.

 8. When the photocopier does not work, call computer  support.  It's  all electronics anyway, right?

 9. When you are getting no dial tone at home, call  computer support.   We can fix stuff at your house, too.

 10.  When you have collected a dozen or so old computer  screens that  do not work, call us.  We collect that stuff.

 11. When something's wrong with your home computer, dump  it on an  I.T. person's desk with no name or note.  We love the challenge.

 12. When the I.T. person tells you that computer screens  do not have  cartridges, argue.  We just love a good argument.

 13. When an I.T. person says that he will be there  shortly, reply in  a scathing tone:  'And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly'?   Sarcasm really motivates us.

 14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at  least 20 more  times.  Print jobs frequently get sucked into black-holes.

 15. After that print job still has not come out, send it  to all 78  other printers in the company.  One of them is bound to get through.

 16.  Don't attempt to learn the technical name for  anything.  We know  exactly what you mean when you say:  'My thingy blew up'

 17. Don't use On-Line help to try and figure out  anything on your  own.  On-Line help is for wimps.

 18. When the mouse cable keeps knocking down the picture  of your dog,  Lift up your computer and run the cable under it.  That cable was  designed to work with 40 pounds on top of it, and getting jerked  constantly because it is now too short is always a good thing.

 19. When the space bar on you keyboard does not work  anymore, blame  it on the recent mail upgrade.  Keyboards were actually designed to  run with muffin crumbs, nail clippings and a cup of coffee in them.

 20. When you get a message saying 'Are you sure'? click  the 'Yes'  button as fast as possible.  Hell, if you were not sure you would not  have been doing it to begin with, right?

21. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his Bank/Wife/Mother, sit un-invited on the corner of his desk and stare  at him until he hangs up.  We don't have private lives anyway.

 22. Feel free to make statements like:  'I don't know  anything about  that stupid computer crap!'  We love to hear our particular area of  professional expertise referred to as 'Stupid Crap'.

 23.  When it is time to change the toner cartridge on  your printer,  call I.T. support.  Changing your toner cartridge can be an extremely  complex task.   Hewlett-Packard actually recommends that it be  performed only by a professional engineer with at least a masters degree in Nuclear Physics.

 24. When something is wrong with your computer, have the  secretary  call the help desk.  We enjoy getting details from a third party that  has no idea what the original problem is.

 25. When you receive a 30mb (HUGE) movie file, feel free  to send it  to everyone you know as a mail attachment.  We have band-width to  spare and plenty of hard drive space, too.

 26. Don't even think about breaking large print jobs  into small  chunks.  Someone may be able to get that single page memo into the  cue.

 27.  When you lose your car keys, shot-gun a mail to  the entire  company.  The Europe office needs to know too.

 28. When you bump into the 'Computer Guy' at the grocery  store on the  weekend, feel free to ask questions about the status of jobs, or even  better, about the problems you are having with your personal system at  home.  We really don't have a life outside of the office.

 29. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers on  your own.   Computer names and inventory lists are just cosmetics.

 30. When you do bring your personal machine from home in  for us to  look at in our 'Spare Time', leave all documentation and driver disks  at home.  We have everything for every possible configuration here at  the office.

 31. When your buddy gives you a bootleg copy of the  latest video game  and says: 'Be Careful, I think it has a virus on it'? Please, bring it  to work to test.  We have flawless virus protection and software  licenses mean nothing.

 Thanks from your System Support Team